Stop Chasing Someone Who Isn’t Choosing You Back
There is a scene in My Best Friend’s Wedding that has always stayed with me. Julia Roberts’ character, Julianne aka Jules, is chasing Michael, the man she suddenly realizes she loves. She is frantic with emotion, running after him as if catching him might somehow fix everything. If she can just reach him, explain herself, interrupt the moment, or make him understand, maybe the story will bend in her favor.
Then at a peak moment where she is running and then steals a truck and is chasing after Michael, who is chasing after Kimmy, played by Cameron Diaz. Rupert Everett’s character, George, asks her a question that cuts through the entire illusion:
“Who’s chasing you?”
It is simple, but it lands like a spiritual intervention.When we are chasing someone, we are often too consumed by our longing to notice the imbalance.
We are trying to get their attention, win back their affection, decode their distance, and prove our value, and might be thinking if they could only hear us out and understand they would see things our way… But this often isn’t the case. We are not always asking whether the person we are running toward is actually moving toward us or even ready for what we may be asking of them.
Usually when people run after being interested they are moving on, things might have gotten too real, or distancing themselves for the space to make clear decisions. This is not the time to chase reletlessly, it’s a time to. hold our frequency and communicate as clearly as we can without spiraling emotionally.
The sick part about the chase, is it can be exciting, and full of passion and intensity but at some point a person falls, tires or loses themselves if it’s not reciprocated.
So a good question to ask yourself is:
Who is choosing you back?
And if no one comes to mind yet, it’s okay. It’s better to be alone than with the wrong partner and trying to make it happen and at all likes you have to choose you.
I have worked with so many people who magnetically attract someone they really like. At the beginning, everything feels easy. There is chemistry, fun light curiosity, flirtation, momentum, and that beautiful sense that something is unfolding without needing to be forced. They are in their center. They are radiant, grounded, receptive, and confident.
Then something shifts.
The other person takes longer to respond. Maybe the plans become less clear or the affection starts to feel inconsistent. Then the other person’s feelings begin to wane, or maybe they simply need a little space.
But because the connection felt so good, the space does not feel neutral- it hurts. You really liked this person and they may have started to be the person you confided in. This can feel lonely and isolating and you may even feel embarassed to admit that after a short time you opened yourself up again. You might not even want to tell your friends because they maye give you a version of “we told you so” or ask skeptically, “how long were you together?” and what if they come back, you don’t want your friends to not like them. It activates the nervous system, and suddenly you the person who was once magnetic starts trying to solve the distance.
You may text again and again when you don’t hear back. You ask where things are going, but not always from a grounded place— it sounds intense before the weight of the relationship can even support the commitment you might be seeking. You want reassurance immediately because uncertainty feels unbearable. It’s scary to care. I have been there and if this resonates with you, I want you to know you I get it and you are worthy of stability and a nervous system that is regulated.
This moment of uncertainty is where so many people leave their natural frequency and often later find it was the tipping point where they blew it.
They move out of their peace, self-trust, openness, and ease, and into a kind of shadow electric/ masculine energy that may feel completely foreign to who they naturally are. They start pursuing, pushing, over-functioning, strategizing, planning, proving, and trying to create certainty where the other person has only offered ambiguity.
The energy becomes sharp, fast, and anxious.
And the results can be devastating.
The person may chase, the other person runs, and then they are left feeling exhausted and embarrassed because they know they left their center. They may have texted too much, said things they did not fully mean, asked for more than they knew the person was available for and in a way that did not feel like them.
They acted from fear instead of self-respect.
Later, when the emotional storm passes, they think, “Why did I do that? Why did I send that? Why did I become someone desperate that I do not even recognize?”
BUT YOU ARE NOT THE BEHAVIOR-
You may have acted desperate but that is different from being desperate. You may have been messy but you are not a mess.
Do you see the difference? It’s important to catch.
No one wants to feel needy or desperate and no one wants to wonder if their energy scared the other person away.
But the bigger regret in my experience, is not losing the person; it is about knowing you abandoned yourself in the process of trying to keep them. Let me say that again a little louder for the people in the back…
The bigger regret is not losing the person; it’s knowing you abandoned yourself in the process of trying to keep them.
I understand this because I have lived it multiple times.
In the past, I have treated a guy the way I wanted to be treated. I would ask him out, plan the date, think through every detail, and try to make the whole experience feel special. I would get the best snacks, and if he did not text me back about what he wanted, I would just buy everything and arrange it in basket anyway.
At the time, I thought I was being romantic, generous, and thoughtful.
And I was.
If someone had done that for me I would have received it so warmly and loved it but for some people it feels too much. They want the space to show up for you if they are in their electric frequency.
But when I was doing it I was also over-functioning. I was becoming what I wanted instead of attracting what I wanted.
I was giving the kind of effort I secretly wanted to receive. I was trying to create the feeling I wanted him to initiate. I was doing all the emotional and logistical labor, then wondering why I felt tired, unseen, or disappointed…
When I showed up that way with certain men, especially men who had a more electric energy and wanted to feel like they could lead, it turned them off.
Not because my intention was wrong, or because generosity is unattractive, but because I had filled every space. I initiated every movement, solved every detail, and tried so hard to make the connection beautiful that I left no room for them to make it beautiful too.
The truth is, I wanted to feel chosen. I wanted someone to reach out, make a plan, create some moments, follow through, and feel their desire. I did not want to be the only one creating the magic. I wanted to be met in it.
That does not mean I do not want to give love back. It does not mean I want an imbalanced relationship where one person does everything while the other person only receives. It simply means I have learned to honor the kind of energy I actually want to live in.
I can be loving without over-giving. I can be thoughtful without taking over. I can show interest without chasing. I can be open without abandoning myself.
I can create space for someone else to show up as themselves while I remain in my own magnetic flow.
This is part of what I help people explore in coaching: the energetics of who they become in love.
When you know the frequency you are here to live in, you stop mistaking emotional chaos for chemistry and start making space for the kind of love that meets your nervous system with peace.
Mixed signals are still signals
When we are honest with ourselves, we can feel the difference.
Love that comes from overflow feels open, warm, clean, and free.
Fear feels tight. It comes with monitoring, resentment, scorekeeping, and a quiet hope that if we give enough, plan enough, understand enough, and become enough, the other person will finally meet us where we are. That is a nervous system trying to earn safety.
If that hit’s take a breath with me… Release the tension it brings up in you. Love exists and it doesn’t have to be so hard.
Mixed signals can be addictive because they give us just enough to keep hoping, but not enough to let us rest. A sweet text, a deep conversation, an intense kiss, or a beautiful date can become evidence we use against our own intuition.
But again mixed signals are still signals.
Confusion is information. Distance is information. Inconsistency is information. Someone’s inability or unwillingness to meet you with clarity is information.
It doesn’t mean they are a bad person. It may not mean they never cared. But it does tell you something about their capacity, readiness, and emotional availability.
Someone can like you and still not be ready for you. Someone can be attracted to you and still not have the emotional capacity to love you well. Someone can enjoy your presence, attention, body, support, humor, generosity, and light, and still not be able to meet you with the consistency your heart deserves.
That does not mean you are not enough. You are.
I am here to tell you that the person you were or are chasing is not the prize.
The prize is the version of you that returns when you stop running after someone who keeps moving further away. It is your peace coming back. It is your confidence, your clarity, your self-respect, and your ability to love without trying to convince someone to love you in return.
Who’s chasing you?
Who is meeting you with care? Who is moving toward you with intention? Who makes room for your heart without needing to be convinced?
And if that person is not here yet, let the question still bring you home. Let it remind you that love can arrive at any time. Some people meet later in life with a knowingness and gratitude they could not have possessed any earlier. They recognize each other differently because they remember what it felt like to chase, to ache, to wait, to wonder, and to finally stop trying to force what was never meant for them.
Sometimes the exhaustion of the chase becomes the very contrast that makes real love feel so incredible when it arrives.
And as soon as we stop running after the wrong things, the right things have a chance to show up and greet us in our higher frequency.
So come back to yourself now- back to your center, your worth, your softness, and your hope.
Come back and choose you now.
To take this work deeper, you can set aside a few minutes today to journal on where you may have chased instead of choosing yourself.
All the best,
-Kaden