Dating Without Games: How to Give Enough Without Losing Yourself

There were so many times I would be sitting across from someone on a date and the same line of questions would begin. Where did you grow up? What’s your family like? What was Idaho like? Did you grow up on a farm? Do you love potatoes? Then, of course, many would eventually make the joke, “I-da-ho? No, you da ho,” as if I had never heard it before. And this is embarrassing to admit, I was such a people pleaser then that I would give a polite little chuckle so I would not offend them. Yes, them. As though it was my responsibility to make them comfortable after kind of being called a ho. It’s not that I was offended, it was just a tired joke. I was more turned off by the lack of creativity and their staring after, waiting for my reaction.

The trickiest part was not the jokes. The hard part was that those simple questions often opened doors into parts of my life that were not simple. If someone asked about family, childhood, where I came from, or what it was like growing up, I did not always know how to answer in a way that felt honest but still light enough for the moment. I am an open book by nature, and for a long time I thought that meant giving people the condensed version of the whole story as soon as they asked. I would share that I was adopted, that I had been bullied, that I did not come from an affluent or wealthy family, and suddenly a casual date could become much heavier than either of us expected it to be.

These were not things I was ashamed of, and they were not things I could change. But when you have had a tough life, it can be challenging to know how to be truthful without handing someone more than the relationship or friendship is established enough to hold. It is not about being dishonest. It is not about hiding. It is about understanding that not every moment or person has the container for every truth.

I had to learn that there is a difference between being authentic and giving someone the whole emotional archive before they have had time to know me. There is a difference between sharing my story and asking someone to digest the weight of it before we have even figured out what appetizers we want or whether we enjoy each other’s company. I still believe in being real. I still believe in telling the truth. But I have also learned that truth can have timing, and earned and mutual trust.

It’s not playing games to choose what you want to reveal of yourself in the beginning.

Not everyone, especially people who are just getting to know you deserve an all access pass to your life. Connection is created through shared experiences, presence, gradual vulnerability, enjoyment and it takes time.

Now, if someone asks me what it was like growing up in Idaho, I do not have to take them through every challenging chapter right away. I can tell them about the beauty of the mountains, floating the river in inner tubes with friends, the things I loved, the things I learned, and maybe a little of what shaped me. I can let the conversation stay enjoyable while still being honest. I can steer it toward connection instead of accidentally turning the date into a therapy intake form.

That was a big lesson for me. When you are naturally open, you may think the only choices are total transparency or being fake. But there is a great and large middle path. You can be honest without overexplaining. You can be warm without overgiving.

The incredible thing I have come to learn from how I was all those years ago is that-

“Your challenges have shaped your character. Every great story comes loaded with obstacles, an evil stepmother or queen with impeccable style, and chapters that feel impossible while you are living them. But when you change your perspective on what harmed you, the challenge changes forever.

The hurt creates the hero, if you let it.

Ask yourself what you gained. Allow the answer to be like a flashlight in the darkest parts of your life, light it up and see what you overcame. Let that lead the story, and even the hardest chapters can become epic and inspiring. A happy ending doesn’t just happen to us, we create it.

When it comes to dating, it can become so much heavier than it needs to be. So many people walk into it carrying the quiet pressure that this person might need to be the person, or that if they do not like us back in the way we hope, something about us has been rejected or confirmed as not enough. What should be a light experience can start to feel like a courtroom where every part of us is on trial. OBJECTION! This case is dismissed- remove yourself from these heavy moments and exchange them for light and fun ones.

Dating can be fun. I know some of you grimaced as you read that… but it’s true. It can be coffee and a conversation about the last good book someone read. It can be a walk through an interesting neighborhood with cool thrift shops. It can be frozen yogurt and asking someone what they are genuinelty excited about right now. It can simply be two people seeing whether there is a spark, or even just having a pleasant hour together.

The deeper problem with a lot of dating advice is that it is built around control. It teaches people how to manage perception instead of how to build connection.

Wait this long. Say this much. Do not seem too available. Do not care more than they do. But the real question is not, “How do I make someone want me?” The better question is, “How do I show up as myself, warmly and with self-respect? Without under-giving or over-giving so that I lose my center.”

This question matters for everyone, but it carries a particular weight in gay dating. Many of us learned secrecy before we learned secure communication. We learned how to read a room before we learned how to relax inside one. We were afraid to be ourselves so we created elaborate illusions to get our needs for love met, often by those closest to us and this translates to being performative later in romantic love. For many of us, adulthood arrives and suddenly we are expected to date with confidence, ease, sexual clarity, emotional intelligence, and perfect boundaries. Talk about pressure- and the worst part is it’s not our fault and we often don’t have a lot of healthy examples to look up to.

Gay relationships have not always been given clean cultural scripts, many gay people find themselves trying to understand what a connection is while they are already emotionally invested. Are we dating? Is this person even out? Will I be hidden? Is this just casual for them? Are we even compatible sexually? Do they want monogamy or some other sort of relationship? Are they in the scene? Have we dated the same people? (the gay world is much smaller) then we have all the other questions like- Do they want to get married? Do they want to have kids? All these questions swirling is enough to make a person become a bit neurotic.

There is also a real numbers issue. Gallup’s 2026 update found that 9% of U.S. adults identify as LGBTQ+, and gay adults represent only about 1% to 2% of all U.S. adults. That does not account for age, geography, attraction, values, emotional availability, commitment, or compatibility. So yes, the field is smaller and many people are still choosing to hide out because there is a cost to putting yourself out there. This isn’t all doom and gloom though. Once you are out and honest and open about what you want you’ll attract the right types of people to you. Ones who love you as you are. For the longest time I was hiding out and being so cautious with what I revealed that people would say I was mysterious, or that it was hard to reach me- I was hiding out scared that the real me wasn’t lovable. But the truth was this, as long as we hide out- we might be falsely loved for the projection but we will never be loved and greeted with the affection we crave. It will all be an illusion until we let our truth be known to those who earn it. So let it unfold slowly and resist the urge to hide out, or add distance when you can use your words to be clear.

Fear is where the games begin, and games will keep you stuck going ’round and ’round the board.

Someone with more electric energy may go into their shadow side by pulling back to feel powerful, keeping things undefined, or using mystery as a form of control. Someone with more magnetic energy may go into their shadow side by overgiving, overanalyzing everything, or exhausting themselves trying to be chosen. One person creates a lot of distance to feel free. The other chases a lot of closeness to feel secure. What could have been a dance of two people showing up honestly, step by step, becomes two dysregulated nervous systems trying to manage themselves and control a relationship.

But you can have passion without confusion. You can have fire without manipulation. You can have the dance without the games.

This healthy kind of consistency can feel foreign at first, especially when so many of us have been trained by movies, television, and even queer love stories to associate intensity with passion. In a story like Heated Rivalry, the secrecy, years of back and forth, and everything unsaid create so much emotional charge. Shane and Ilya’s connection is powerful because there is longing, risk, timing, fear, and all that pent-up energy. It is heated for a reason.

And I love that these stories exist. They give us representation, entertainment and the push and pull is all too relatable. But there is a difference between what makes a story addictive and what makes a relationship safe. Years of hidden feelings, mixed signals, distance, and emotional push-pull can be hot on screen. In real life, that kind of dynamic can leave people anxious, nervous system shot, jaded, and unsure where they stand. Shane and Ilya’s story works as a romance because we get to see the longing on both sides. We know there is love underneath the secrecy. But in real dating, we don’t have the benefit of a narrator and a great soundtrack.

That is why secure love can feel almost unfamiliar if your nervous system is used to intensity. Warmth may feel less exciting than uncertainty. Consistency may feel less passionate than longing. Someone who is clear, kind, and available may not create the same explosive charge as someone who keeps you guessing. But that does not mean it is less romantic. It may mean your body is learning what safety feels like. This may be getting into a different topic we can talk about later so I’ll wrap it up for you friends…

Real connection is not built through chase. It is built through response. One person reaches, the other responds. One person shares, the other listens. One person asks for what they want, and the other tells the truth about what they can give. Gottman’s research on long-term couples points to this same truth: lasting relationships are built through repeated moments of turning toward each other’s bids for connection, not through dramatic performances of love. Couples who stayed married in his research turned toward each other far more often than those who later divorced.  

So the formula is simple, even if practicing it takes courage:

Closeness = gradual honesty + mutual response + consistency over time.

And thats the opposite of games.

Games say, “Let me make them wonder where they stand.” Love says, “Let me be clear enough that they can relax.”

Games say, “Let me pull away so they chase me.” Love says, “Let me notice whether we are both moving toward each other.”

Games say, “Let me be less available so I seem valuable.” Love says, “Let me have a full life and share it with them if I’m genuinely interested.”

A useful question is: Does this connection feel good only when we are together, or does it feel good when we are apart too?

And also we have to stop acting like romantic love is the only love that counts. Helping someone on the street because you feel called to, someone who may never benefit you, is love too. The way we love our pets and they love us back is love too. The love of grandparents, friends, teachers, chosen family, self-respect, music, meals, shelter, laughter, and grace all count too. Why would we act like some loves matter and others do not? They all matter. They all connect and thread us into the fabric of a much larger quilt that makes life warmer and more comforting. Romantic love may be one beautiful square, but it is not the whole covering.

If you are still single there is nothing wrong with you. You are still loved and worthy.

The Gratitude Experiment

This week, think about all the love you received in different eras of your life. Experience deep gratitude, imagining all the meals you received in early life, the bed you had, your favorite toys, your clothes, your home, your schooling everything you can picture and feel it in your heart. Then move into another era each day. Every shared meal. Every paycheck. Every ability. Every kindness. Every co-created experience.

We cannot even fully fathom all the love, all the support, all the amazing things that have carried us.

It was so much love.

It still is.

When you remember that, dating becomes lighter because the stakes are low, you already have love- so much of it… It’s just time to focus more on all you have had along the way to attract more in.

And remember- The right person will not require games, and they will not require self-abandonment. They will meet you in the middle, willingly.

With love,

-Kaden