After 10 Years of Coaching, Here’s What Nobody Wants to Hear
I’ve coached a LOT of people… and as much as we want to act like our problems are extremely unique, or we are the only person who has ever been through this, or felt that- it’s rarely, if ever, the case.
Here are some things I’ve learned that I’m just gonna type as they come to me, off the cuff-
Consistency beats brilliance.
If you keep showing up, eventually you become better. You might not see it right away, and the progress might be small to start, but consistent action over time makes you better.
And when you become great, they’ll write it off as luck. Or maybe they’ll think you were just born brilliant.
Then you can tell them about the hours you put in, or brilliantly pretend it was easy. It’s your choice.
Everyone has issues.
Some are just less upfront about it.
I have spent time on set with models who could point out their every imperfection and were deeply insecure. I have spent time with billionaires who were incredibly lonely in their mansions like Mr. Burns without their Smithers. I have also known hilarious people who didn’t believe they were funny.
If you’re struggling, get yourself some professional support (even a coach) and personal cheerleaders who love you and see you in your light.
Your truth powerfully connects you with people.
As someone who has had a long list of hurdles and challenges I moved through, I have to tell you, sharing them helps you find your tribe.
When I say, “I’m gay,” gay people relate.
When I say, “I was cheated on,” sadly, too many people relate!
Even simple things like saying I love hikes with a beautiful payoff, the show Hacks, playing with puppies, working out with friends, comedy movies (has anyone seen Scary Movie 5 yet?)… Or deeper things like when I say, “I struggled with depression,” or “I was kicked out of my church when the pastor found out I’m gay,” all of it is relatable to someone.
All of it made me stronger and better able to help others who struggle.
Which leads me to…
Reframing the victim story into a great -VICTORY STORY - is a game changer.
When you see you didn’t just get through it, you grew past it, something changes.
You get to stand tall and as a solid point of refuge for others in the middle of the challenge. You become a pillar of strength for people you can help. You can inspire. You can be the person you needed when you were in it.
When I went through challenges as a teen, I would say, “This is going to be good for my E! True Hollywood Story.” And honestly, that helped… even if I am the only one who will ever know the story.
Your thoughts create feelings that drive your actions and create your results…
and then your thoughts about those results continue the cycle…
and on and on and on and on….
You can think life is an amazing gift, or you can think it’s hell on earth. It’s all thoughts.
Everything we see and experience is narrated, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Test this out-
I want you to question this and see if it rings true for you, pick one situation in your life that feels heavy.
Now ask yourself:
“What am I making this mean?”
Not what happened.
What you are making it mean.
Are you making it mean you’re-
Behind? Because you’re past your 30’s.
Too much? Because you want to be loved in a specific way.
Not enough? Because someone lied to you.
A failure? Because you haven’t made a lot of money at your passion.
Forgotten? Because you don’t have a big following.
Now ask:
“Is there another thought that could also be true?”
Maybe it hurt, and you’re still worthy.
Maybe they left, and it wasn’t proof you’re unlovable.
Maybe you failed, and it was information, not your identity.
Maybe the thing that almost broke you is the thing that will make you softer, wiser, funnier, deeper, and more useful to someone else someday.
Now, I’m not saying lie to yourself.
I’m saying question the cruel and/or cranky inner narrator.
Ask: “How could I see whatever is happening in my life in a way that makes me feel better and do better next time?”
And if you need to own up to a mistake and sit in an uncomfortable feeling - do it! That’s growth too and your growth is glorious. It’s why we are here and I am in the mud with you and all my clients. It’s okay to get dirty and not play it so delicately and safe that you never plant the seeds of goodness or wander the paths that are wild and untamed.